I am so fucked. My life is stuck in a circle, sometimes the radius widens, sometimes it shrinks, but my thoughts and actions always hit the same points on this path that never strays. It's like my mind is a cart running over the same tracks in a loop, and I'm standing by the tracks with my hand on the switch, able to pull it at any moment and change the cart's course, but behind me someone is holding a gun to my head, ready to pull the trigger the moment I pull the switch. But, maybe, just maybe there is no one there, it's just my anxiety, and I fear that the moment I pull the switch and the cart begins to roll over unfamiliar tracks I will realize that they don't lead anywhere; it's a dead end.
"You're stuck," she says. Of course I'm fucking stuck, I have always known that. I have never been anything but stuck! Stuck in a loop, stuck in the same mental space, stuck with the same feelings. If there is anything about which I can talk for ages, it's me and how fucking stuck I am. I can't maintain a conversation about anything else, because I don't know enough about anything else. I'm too busy making sure I don't stray off course, as if it were so difficult to trace a circle. I need to constantly keep my mind on me, me, me. What am I saying? Did I do something wrong? What is wrong with me? Well clearly I know what is wrong with me, but I cannot seem to muster up enough courage to change myself. I can't say, "Well, I'm stuck in a dead end job in a lifeless town, where there are no opportunities for me," because I know that's a fucking lie. I can't say, "Once I graduate and move to a new city, that's when I'll change and I'll be a new me," that's a fucking lie too.
The truth is that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like I know what I should be doing, but I don't want to because I'm lazy and too fucking stupid. I've forced myself into an essentially dead end major when I could have forced myself to finish a computer science degree, but I've convinced myself that I'm too stupid for that, and honestly that's probably the truth. For a few month I managed to convince myself that if I really applied myself that I could do all the programming and math, but I didn't really apply myself and I really am too fucking stupid, and that makes me so unbearably angry. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't complete a STEM degree, because I don't have the brains and I can barely apply myself to my humanities degree, that'll leave me a peon, because I have no passion for it.
I always find myself too tired or lacking passion to dedicate myself to anything. It's great that my depression is surfacing again! You know I thought that if I worked for a CS degree it wouldn't matter that I didn't have an undying passion for it because at least I would be able to support myself and pursue my hobbies on the side, but now it's too late for that(and I'm too much of an idiot) and I'm stuck in the humanities where I won't be able to pursue "the life of the mind" because apparently no one does that anymore and I'll just end up a poor passionless peon. Hi, please call me P.P. aka passionless peon. Great.
"my_name, you're catastrophizing. You don't know those things. yadada yadada you're condemning your future. . "
